On the night before you left, we didn`t get to sleep.
Never again, I told myself and you, I would burden our love with an early departure, knowing well that come the time of choosing between the luxury of a slow goodbye and saving what little money we have, we would probably push that promise into the back of our minds.
How often do we need to let our mind rule over our heart until we decide to change our course?
On the night before you left, we didn`t get to share sweet love, there was no space for deep embraces and soft kisses, nor murmured whispers of devotion.
On the night before you left, we packed and ravaged until early morning hours, departure inhabiting every cell of our bodies, as if we wanted to press all the things undone, unsaid, unprepared into the last remaining minutes together before….
I remeber lying down next to you, putting my head to rest on your shoulder, as if I wanted to hold on to this body, heart and soul that I know inside and out forever, knowing that in a few hours only you would be gone.
It is only for a couple of weeks, friends and family would reasonably argue, trying to take the weight of loss off of my shoulders. At least you can skype and call and send text messages – imagine how difficult it was only less than a decade ago. Don`t be afraid, real love will endure all separation.
And of course they are right.
Distances – as I read beautifully lately – are conquered not only through footsteps.
I am not afraid.
I am not alone.
But in all this time that we have gone through separation time and again, still not knowing how and when we will ever be able to build a foundation where we ourselves – not the despotism of immigration offices, state laws and bureaucratic machineries – can decide upon our future, I have found out this:
I am not afraid, but I am shaken without you.
I am not alone, but life is lonely when you are gone.
I have found out that for the first time since I started to love, my independance isn`t my most important value anymore.
I have found out, that my own goals and assets are no longer center of my universe, but rather, I wish to live in unison, sharing and respecting your visions and desires for life and putting them next to mine, building a common whole.
I have found out, that my wild and free spirit doesn`t need superficial allowances or short sighted fulfilment of desires to roam.
I have found out, that I can surrender to you, without loosing myself.
You said something beautiful to me once, your interpretation of a straightforward and nurturing relationship that I found very simple, and very true:
If I do what is best for you, and you do what is best for me, we will never stray.