My zodiac sign is libra and I fully live up to it by embodying all stereotypes and traits that are connected to that sign. I am indecisive, I despise conflict and I have a hard time adressing my concerns and desires. Which is tricky, since I often have a very precise idea about how I want things to be and sometimes find myself getting irritated when other people`s ideas differ from mine – especially when dealing with the people I am closest to.
My family and friends became somewhat good at reading my mind and guessing what I may desire in a specific situation or moment – however, this doesn`t always work and definitely isn`t a recipe to go by when I`m surrounding myself with people I am less intimate with.
So throughout the course of my life I have been working on a rather challenging task:
How do I get to say, what I need to say, and how do I get to say it in a way that isn`t irritating for others.
We have all been there: something is up and for whatever reason we don`t manage to clear the ground by addressing the issue. Whatever it is that is bugging us rarely will go away just by itself. Quite the opposite: it often builds up and when it finally makes its way to the surface it somewhat explodes and makes the situation way more uncomfortable or awkward than it had to be.
I remember an episode from my childhood days. I had a very best friend from about age seven to ten (that`s when she moved to Florida and we outgrew each other…). We did absolutely everything together! However, I was always a person that needed some alone time and space. So after an intense couple of days hanging out with my bestie I actually needed a break. My friend invited me to come over and I did not manage to address my need for some alone time – neither towards her, nor towards our parents. So when the play date came up I was sulky and passive aggressive and things became quite uncomfortable for all of us. My mother finally understood what was up with me and we went home – not without her telling me that I needed to learn to address my concerns.
Here I am, 25ish years later and I am still learning.
It`s a very challenging task for me and I literally need to force myself to seek communication instead of hoping that everything will sort itself out.
Sometime ago I came upon a saying that has actually helped me a lot in determining whether I need to speak up and how to do it, when neccessary. It`s three simple questions that put everything into perspective:
1. Is it true?
If you are uncertain of this, do your research. Research not only in the classic sense of the word but also in the sense of self-inquiry. Try to be as neutral as possible in your analysis of a situation, without manipulating facts to serve your point or ignoring parts of the story.
2. It is kind?
Can you address whatever you need to say in a kind way? Can you choose gentle words and a low voice? Can you stick to the facts and withhold judgement? Can you bring your point across in the kindest way possible?
3. Is it neccessary?
Sometimes, we need to address issues that are painful for another person. If this is the case, think twice about whether it is really neccessary to say what you intend to say. Inquire your motivation behind it. What do you hope to gain? Do you want to make a point or be right about something just for the sake of it? Do you want to channel your own hurt feelings by imposing them on someone else? Is your motivation centered around your own well-being? Sometimes, it is neccessary to make our own well-being priority. Ideally all of the people involved in this conversation will have something to gain from it.
Opening the space for a loving and kind, yet honest conversation isn`t an easy task.
However, it is definitely worth all the effort we put into it and the lessons we learn along the way.
Stay connected, keep loving each other and grow to embody the beautiful, nurturing soul that you already are a little bit more with each passing day.