When we reach a crossroads in our life that asks for a decision, it can often be very challenging to know which way to go. Especially when it comes to the more fundamental aspects of life like relationships, family, work and the where, how and if of settling down.
Since I entered into the relationship with the man who is now my husband, life has been a rollercoaster regarding these matters, to say the least.
Torn between Munich – my hometown – and Los Angeles – home to my husband`s art making.
Torn between the quietude and quality of life in a comparably small city in Germany and the possibilities and creative playground that is Los Angeles.
Torn between making a moderate, but stable income without too many out of the box possibilities and working your way up from nothing to what may possibly culminate into very successful careers.
Torn between the seasons and everylasting sunshine.
Torn between dark bread and donuts… okay, not really.
But you get the idea.
Sometimes when I try to make up my mind about which scenario will ultimately serve us best, helplessness, exasperation and anxiety flush over me in big, engulfing waves. In these moments I don`t know left from right. Everything seems wrong and right for the same or no reasons. I find it impossible to see clearly. I simply don`t seem to have the answers.
Last week, during one of these moments of despair, I was lucky enough to catch hold of one of my oldest and best friends from Munich (usually that`s not so easy due to the nine hour time difference!). At one point during our conversation I told her how much I was longing for a third person`s advice, someone who is not closely related to me or my husband and who could guide me in finding the answers to my questions. Therapy, mentorship or mediation seemed like the gates of heaven and the only thing that stood between clarity and me was the fact that we couldn`t afford this kind of self-care in our current situation.
My friend listened to me with great compassion and then she told me this, based on her own recent experiences: while it can be a great relief to talk to someone about your fears, dreams and uncertainties, it won`t provide you with the answers you are looking to find. At its very best, it will empower you to find the strength to tune in, to ask yourself the right questions and answer them in depth and honesty. It may provide the tools, but the work needs to be done by yourself.
So simple, so obvious and yet I was taken aback and challenged by this thought at first.
I wanted a simple fix. I wanted to be taken care of. I wanted to delegate responsibility.
However, once I got used to the idea, I started to feel great comfort in knowing that only I can find the answers to my questions. Everything I need to know is right here, right within me. I only need to excavate it, layer by layer, truth by truth, like shedding a skin that no longer serves me.